Raising Confident Boys by Elizabeth Hartley-Brewer

Author:Elizabeth Hartley-Brewer [ELIZABETH HARTLEY-BREWER]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Hachette Books
Published: 2011-01-01T00:00:00+00:00

CHAPTER 6

Responding Sensitively to Setbacks

Life presents everyone, including children, with experiences that can knock them for a loop. It is part of every school and caregiver’s job to prepare the boys in their care for these ups and downs. Being bullied or excluded from groups, families breaking up, friendships ending, bereavement or separations, and disappointments at school or on the sports field are common experiences. Children can’t be protected from every possible hurt, however much parents may wish to and however desirable it may be–and it may not be. But how can adults help to rebuild a boy’s self-confidence when all he wants to do is run away and hide?

Most of us know a child who seems to be made of rubber and wears a permanent grin. Nothing seems to get him down. Whatever the problem, he has the ability to take the knocks, keep his attention fixed on a better future and make his way steadily, knowingly and confidently toward it. Such a boy is called “resilient.” He is able to live with and through adversity, getting himself back on course, ready to move on and even to use the setback to strengthen and enrich himself.

Recovery from problems is more likely when adults respond sensitively to a boy’s setbacks. When they handle his confusion and dejection well, he retains enough self-respect and self-esteem to face the world again, to try again and to treat the setback as an opportunity to grow and learn.

Resilience is sometimes described as the ability to bounce back, but this misrepresents what happens. Staying power involves action, not reaction. People with staying power think, feel, perceive and understand themselves and their situation in a way that enables them to remain positive, active and able to recognize the lessons to be learned.

What gives boys staying power? Recent studies of children who recover from setbacks show that personality plays a small part. More helpful factors are a tendency to see themselves in a good light, having at least one good, close relationship with an adult and not being exposed to too much difficulty.

Boys who bounce back have a good sense of their own worth and abilities, believe they can shape what happens to them, are able to live comfortably with uncertainty, are good at solving problems, mix well with others, can maintain friendships and are generally optimistic about life.

Parents and teachers can help boys by encouraging this and responding sensitively to them.

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